14 Years, Going on 40.

14 years ago. 

It was 14 years ago that I last posted on my Blogger blog. 

Blogging was the life, in the internet social landscape of the early 2000s. Especially being homeschooled and limited in exposure to diverse social circles. Blogging with fellow homeschoolers, and discovering the world at large, seemed endless, and exciting. 

Making new blogs was the height of online publishing excitement. Changing your identity, the design of the blog, and the feel of something new. There were blogs hosted by my college, free blogs from web hosting sites, Blogger blogs, and the king of the blogosphere: Xanga. Most of my blogs are long gone, along with the time capsule of friendships they represented. 

It still lives, you know. Blogging. 

Not the followers of the old days, of course. Like all things on the internet, blogging has morphed into a monster of commercial impetus. Lifestyle blogs. Technical blogs. Political blogs. They're all still there.

It's just that its harder to find the little people. The individuals of yesterday, that journaled their whole life online, and keep each other's company in a flurry of likes and comments to posts.  

There's a wistful nostalgia on these back pages of the vintage internet. 

I miss it. 

I miss the newness. I miss the excitement of discovery. I miss ... them. All of them. 

So many married. So many careers and happy chapters. Haven't spoken to so many of them in ages. 

In just a few hours, I will be 40 years old. 

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand —

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep — while I weep!

O God! Can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

I feel. So many things.

Lost.
Single.
Lonely.
Childless.
Without a course. 
What was it all for.
Time wasted.
Friendships. Fondly remembered. Now a faded picture in my memory. 

I took a walk this evening. Out by the garden on the berm. I took pictures of the sunset in the cold, crisp air. And remembered. So many years have I spend in this nook on the hill. 

This year, I'm endeavoring to remember that my life could be someone else's dream. To treasure the small things. To be mindful. To have empathy. To slow down. 

To be grateful. 

I will not deceive myself that I will revive this blog and resurrect its glory days. Merely, that when I'm homesick, I will come here once in a while, and ponder. 

An empty home on the internet. 

I'm grateful. For so many things.

Tonight, however, my heart is heavy. I feel so alone.  

Shadow of Chill

I find it curious that I usually start posting in my blog every year around the same time; that is, when the cold weather arrives. Am I retreating to a familiar hideaway from the wintry blast, or does this weather bring the contemplative out in me?

It is something...

The Warm Sleeves of Autumn

I woke up to a frigid morning, prompted by my legs announcing that the cover on the bed had fled to the neutral country of the floor, and that they were in effect, freezing.

The cooler weather always arrives here overnight. In fact, it's rare that we ever get a front during the day. Bundling through the cracks and sills during the pitch of the night, it unpacks all of its trappings in a groaning symphony of windy gusts, and greets you in the morning, sitting in your favorite spot with its tousled hair and sloppy, wind capped grin.

My closet is woefully ill-equipped to handle such a procedure, and an excursion to external territories, in search of warmer garb, becomes imminent. Armed with a mug of hot tea, I trot to the storage shed, cursing the wind as it blows sticker burrs into my socks, shuffling through a river of fallen leaves that has appeared miraculously overnight.

The shed is warm from the previous night, and the shadowy forms of boxes stare out at me, daring me to begin and search for the prize. After much arranging, I find a box of winter clothes, and promptly begin prospecting.

Winter clothes are like old friends. Folded the previous year and unceremoniously packed away, they have waited, their arms wrapped around memories of cold weather escapades. Lifting them from their lair, reminiscent memories and smells drift around me. Burying my face into a warm turtleneck, I can taste Landshark Lager, drape lights upon the eaves, and see the warm flicker of a football game, deep within a house christened by a misty November evening. A soccer balls rolls merrily from my reach as Thomas charges it from across the street, and Kristi calls that supper is ready from the porch; pork chops with macaroni and cheese.

I fill my arms with warm winter blankets and furry skull caps.
Slipping into a warm jacket, I feel secure, almost festive.
The cold weather is here! Let new adventures begin!

Snow Leopard

Microsoft, take note.

Apple is releasing its newest operating system, OS X 10.6, codenamed "Snow Leopard", this Friday. If you're a Mac user, the pricetag will range from $10-$29. Wouldn't it be nice if Windows could be upgraded for such an amiable price?

Of course, it isn't open source, but for closed source, big-box marketing, it's a step in the right direction. Increased 64-bit support and programs add the icing to the cake.

Happy Texas Independence Day!

On this day, March 2nd, 1836, nestled in a quiet and lovely bend on the Brazos River, our state's fathers met to draw up the Constitution of the Republic of Texas, declaring independence from Mexico and in the process becoming one of the greatest nations ever founded.

God bless Texas!


"Texas, Our Texas"

Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State!
Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test
O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far,
Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow,
With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free,
Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny!
Mother of heroes, we come your children true,
Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.

God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong,
That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.

Roads Less Travelled with More Water.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost
excerpt from The Road Not Taken


Sometimes I feel like Frost; taking a road that seems to be deserted save for me, at times. My life hasn't taken the road most others take in life. Most people have a set creed, travelling through high school, then on to college, career, marriage, a long domestic and professional life, then retirement. I haven't followed in the least. My life has been a series of random and haphazard adventures, strung together with the tenuous thread of a difficult childhood and the adhesive of an undying determination to succeed at glorifying God and enjoying Him forever.

My only regret is being 25 years old and having no direction or inclination of what to do with my life. It keeps me awake at night.

- Here is a small tip for all of you who are blessed not to work in retail, and wind your way through all the glorious aisles of goodies at your favorite retail center. When you come upon an aisle that is blocked by a pallet of bottled water and one or two workers who are busy stocking it, do not assume that loud sighs and clearing your throat will alert them to the fact that they are impeding your progress. Ask us to make way for you to get through. We're already self-concious of the fact that we're in way, and we desperately don't wish to be, so if you ask, I'm sure that you will be facilitated by a ready smile and apology.

- Matthew and I were stocking water the other night, and this old man traversed the aisle with his grandsons. The oldest grandson was a college student home for the holidays, dragging the relectant grandfather and younger brother along for critical supplies. The grandfather watched in horror as his grandson procurred a case of bottled water, and proceeded to dress him down on the spot, citing a "sinkfull of water at home" and "drinking well water in the Depression" as prime reasons why good money should not be wasted on water in a bottle. the grandsons fought back with the "quality of [Cameron's] city water" and "excessive carbon and chemicals" as the reasons for buying the water.

As the pair exited the aisle, old man looked at Matt and I, and said boldly so everyone could hear, "I've drunk water for 67 years, and I've never bought water in a bottle. May God save us all."

For some reason, it made my day. Maybe it was the generational dissent, or the humor, but ultimately, his vintage and frugal reasoning made me smile, and made me wish for 1936 for some reason.

- The Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburg Steelers are going to the Super Bowl. May the best team {*cough* the Cardinals} win!

Out With The Old

I took down my old website this morning.

It was just time to do it. I've been getting progressively irritated by all the old things that I have stored away, or those things that have been status quo for several, if not many, years. I told Teek last night that I am craving adventure; something new, exciting, and different. Although I have no idea what it is, I am getting rid of old things that stand in my way, or objects which I no longer use.

I put together a quaint little placeholder for the time being, consisting of a fall photo and a poem I wrote last night.

Who knows, maybe someday I'll have another website. One with a defined purpose.